This is why it’s important to have an actual conversation about their feelings on monogamy and sexual exclusivity – and especially what you both consider to be cheating. One person’s acceptable behavior is another person’s relationship extinction event. It’s to be honest with yourself about it. If you have a history of cheating, then you y isn’t for you. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a binary answer – either you’re monogamous or your not. You may be open to the idea of opening things up later on. You y. Or you may be open initially but eventually come to realize that you’d rather be exclusive. Making sure early on that you have similar views – and that you can talk about them openly and honestly – is important to a relationship’s success.
One thing that people rarely think of when it comes to being sexually compatible is the kind of sex they’re into… and what they can’t stand. As with most forms of sexual expression, people fall on a spectrum when it comes to types of sex. Some people are game to try anything once. Some people have very hard limits. Some people find fellatio or cunnilingus disgusting or degrading, while other people can’t live without it. For some people, sex with the lights on is just too kinky and female-superior is the height of sexual experimentation. Other people can’t get it up unless they’re wearing a baby seal-leather gimp mask and being strapped to a Saint Andrew’s Cross.
Sexual compatibility takes work, and that means being willing to make sacrifices and reach compromises
This is one of those areas that’s best addressed early on; there’s still a lot of stigma surrounding many forms of kink and power-exchange and the people who practice them. For some people, their kink is a nice addition to their sex lives, the fried pickles on the suitable link sexual cheeseburger. For others, however, it’s a requirement and trying to go without it means that before long, the pressure is going to build up to unbearable levels.
This is one area where not being sexually compatible can sabotage relationships. Because we still view kinks, fetishes and non-vanilla sex with suspicion, we tend to assign stigma to the people who practice it as well. It’s not a long leap between “that’s disgusting” to “you’re disgusting”. Many kinksters are afraid to share their interests with their significant others for fear of judgement – even when the interests are actually quite common and tame, like spanking.
The Key To Being Sexually Compatible is Compromise
Nobody is going to be a perfect match, sexually. There’s always going to be a certain amount of disparity in every couple, no matter how perfect their relationship is.
Dan Savage – official NerdLove Celebrity Patronus – summed it up best when he coined the phrase “good, giving and game” or “GGG”. In practice, this means being good in bed, giving of pleasure and game for trying anything within reason. Couples aren’t going to be perfectly in synch, sexually, but they’re both responsible for trying to fulfill their partner’s needs as well as their own.
When one partner is kinky – then the non-kinky partner should make a good-faith effort to help indulge in their fetish. This means actively participating, rather than making it clear that they’re being forced to do this and martyring themselves to their partner’s desires. Again, the operative phrase is “within reason” – you don’t want to do anything that’s going to leave you curled up and crying on the bathroom floor, but indulging your partner’s interest in light bondage or foot worship on occasion isn’t outside the bounds of reasonability. At the same time, the kinky partner needs to recognize that they aren’t necessarily going to be flogging or getting flogged every time; it’s going to be an occasional indulgence, especially if their partner isn’t super into it.